Four Things Every Christian Should Have:

This isn’t a great list, or even an okay list, and you probably shouldn’t actually follow it and expect amazing results, this is just what’s helped me grow in my faith and learn to love my savior but also learn to love my religion and all the wackos that also say they are part of my religion.

Okay here goes nothing.

1. A Sense of Humor 
If you don’t have one of these then you probably aren’t even a Christian. I would just stop whatever you’re doing and accept salvation before you burn in hell for all the terrible things you have done (just today!) If you don’t repent and accept salvation you’re going to burn forever with people like Hitler, George Carlin, and that lady that cut you off in traffic then had the gaul to give you the middle finger. You know the lady, the one with the coexist sticker on her car. What type of Wiccan she-devil does something like that. Hitler was a better person than that lady.

2. A Coffeeshop:
You can tell a good coffeeshop one of two ways: a) It is filled with Hipsters and the rack in front only has light weight carbon custom bikes on it. b) There is no other way. 

If you want to be a good Christian in this day and age you have to find a place to read your Bible and/or meet with your other Christian friends to discuss the Bible. Loudly. You prove your salvation by how loud you talk and how many “Christian” words you use while talking out loud.

3. A book by at least 2* of these authors:
Francis Chan, David Platt, Donald Miller, TD Jakes, John Piper, Rob Bell, Bob Goff, Craig Groeschel.

If you are a girl, or have many women in your life you must have at least one Beth Moore, Joyce Meyer, or Christine Caine devotional or book as well.

*You can own both John Piper and Rob Bell material, but you must vocally choose a side, you prove your loyalty by which version of “How He Loves” you sing at church.

4. An Atheist friend or Five:
If you don’t have an atheist friend are you really even living out your faith? Who else is going to argue with your and make your doubt everything you believe? The Bible says in Revelation 3:16 that God would rather you be hot or cold rather than lukewarm, and having an atheist friend is basically a Litmus Test of your faith. You’re either going to be a full on idiot (according to the atheist) or you’re finally going to cave and be sucked into the illuminated vortex of atheism. I’ve been there before and it’s awesome. You should check it out at least once. They have all the best coffeeshops there. I like having atheist friends because they have the best bars and taco stands in their world.

Plus everyone knows atheists have the best street style so they’re the ones you need to be following on the fashion front.

So basically that’s it. Some extra things you might need on your journey are an iPhone, a journal, and a bag big enough to carry all of your books and crap to the coffeeshop.

Other than that you’re on your own. I don’t take any responsibly for what happens if you follow my advice.

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