“May he grant you your hearts desires & fulfill all your plans”Psalm 20:4
Recently someone asked me “what do I want to do when I grow up?” As a 24 year old you would think I would have some sort of grasp on this question, and indeed a year ago I would’ve had a confident answer: I want to be a youth minister.
5 years before that the answer would’ve been: I want to own a coffeeshop.
15 years before that: probably first female president or clown or power ranger or something similar. Maybe a combination of all three.
Today, as a 24 year old I can confidently say this: I don’t know what I want to do with my life.
More than that I don’t really care. Youth minister, teacher, foreign missionary, museum educator, writer, all things I have thrown around. I have also toyed around with the idea of marrying an old rich guy but I can’t seem to find many that are Christian and look like George Clooney, or really any men interested in me so I guess that is a pipe dream.
I guess what I am saying is this
What happens when you don’t know your hearts desires and you don’t have plans, how is God going to help you in pursuing something you can’t even envisage?
That is exactly how I have felt recently. Frustrated, and terrified of people asking me that question.
When people politely ask me that question I want to scream I DON’T KNOW HELP ME PLEASE.
In the past few weeks I have gotten lazy in my spiritual practices. I started the year great, reading my Bible everyday, listening to one Hillsong song everyday like their some weird Christian vitamin. Then it slowly stopped. First the Hillsong then the Bible reading.
Then everyday at 7:30 my phone would ding and give me my feared notification: “Jen, read your Bible!”
I am busy with friends, my amazing Oakland friends.
No, I am at the movies.
Blahhh I am getting coffee.
Whatever, I’m watching Netflix I will read tomorrow.
Over and over and over and over I did this. I started to hate 7:30 PM because that was when I was convicted the most. That is when I would feel the gross slimy feeling of remorse.
I knew I should read my Bible. I obviously know that I need to spend time with my creator.
But UGHHFIfHFIEFNF I AM BUSY LIVING LIFE CAN’T YOU SEE THAT GOD??
Then it hit me, like it always does. Like a wave. Like a brick wall. Like a train. Pick your metaphor. Doesn’t matter, it hit me. God’s unrelenting, all encompassing, fear erasing, amazing grace.
I put on some music and just sat on my bed confessing my sin. Applogizing to God for ignoring Him. For treating Him like a vending machine I could visit when I am thirsty instead of the IV drip I need him to be.
God’s grace is powerful, life altering. It’s freedom. It’s crazy stupid love. It messes you up in the most perfect way possible. It takes away the slimy gross feelings of remorse and replaces them with wholeness, with goodness.
So here’s why it doesn’t really matter to me what I want to do. What my desires are. What my plans are….
I want to do what God wants me to do. I want to do His desires for my life. I want to fulfill His plans for my life.
I don’t want to sound like mega superduper holy sister Christian, the honest truth is if I live by this then I don’t have to worry about so many details and it makes my life easier.
If I am living in the Holy Spirit, if I am mindful of it’s moving in my life then I know I am on the right track.
I hope this feeling sticks and takes root in my heart and soul and that I will continue soaking up God’s goodness, but the truth is I will fail again. It doesn’t matter though. God’s love never fails. People have even written songs about that.
God’s love never fails. God’s love never fails. Go run and tell that.
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