Established + Wayward

Thoughts from a Santa Fe coffeeshop – Sometimes I worry I sound like a broken record on this blog, churning out again and again my thoughts, the same words, phrases, and ideas escaping my head into my fingertips and onto this white space on the blogger platform. I know some writers get accused of writing the same book many times over, and certainly the Coen Bros have made a career out of telling the same story in a multitude of ways, so I guess I’m in good company. If you’re a frequent reader on this blog (hi mom) I’m sorry if I don’t seem to have much variety. I can only speak to what I know and what thoughts, emotions, and experiences I am currently processing.

Train from ABQ to Santa FE

My testimony is a story of a journey, a real tangible journey. Moving from place to place like a sojourner, losing and meeting new friends in every place, meeting God and ignoring God, settling with the Holy Spirit and wrestling the Holy Spirit. Right now I am writing from a tiny coffeeshop in downtown Santa Fe, Montezuma Coffee, while I wait a few hours for a train that will take me to Albuquerque, there I will catch a flight to Phoenix, then onto my current home: Oakland.

I’m not a stranger to Santa Fe, I visited as often as I had a chance when I attended college in New Mexico fall of 2009. A day trip to Santa Fe meant Borders Book Store (RIP,) a trip to Target, some good food, and most importantly it was a wonderful distraction from the ho-hum dreariness of Las Vegas, New Mexico. I only lived in New Mexico a total of 5 months, and was miserable most of the time. I had a radio show on the local college station 91.1 and last time I checked my picture still appears on the radio stations website. I took my job seriously, putting together my playlists with painstaking care and overthought every song I played. I still find songs to be one of the strongest ways to convey a covert and secret message to those I love, I think this was cultivated in my time at Highlands University.

My life wasn’t fulfilled simply sharing my heart through lyrics and music once a week, I was still so lonely, solemn, and aware of my inability to make friends. I grew up with the same 100 kids from pre-school to my senior year of high school, so making friends had never been a skill I had honed.

When December 2009 rolled around I made a snap decision (the first of many in my life) to move back home. Over the next 4 years I attended 3 other colleges, eventually graduating from University of Texas- San Antonio.

In those next few years I also picked up some useful skills; learning to cook for 1 person and how to make friends being the two gems in my skill-set crown.

I also had my life shifted, shaken, and surrounded by God’s love. Coming back into the fold was the event in my journey that all other events hinge on. This is the topic I have written much about. If you want to read more I would direct you to any of the older posts on this blog – they can be found just to the right in a drop down menu. 2012 was a pivotal year for me.)

I am still in the smelting extracting process with God. I know I am not done moving, my sojourn is not over. I will physically move and relocate myself, many times I’m sure; I will also continue to be moved by God. That’s the beauty of this faith, to me. I am not expected to have my (chose your own four letter word) figured out yet, I will continue to be sanctified until I awaken into God’s presence.

Today, after saying goodbye to my extended family, and then saying goodbye to my parents and siblings I felt alone and sad for the first time in a few days. One of the blessings and curses of a huge family is never having the chance to be alone. I am alone here in Montezuma and I cannot say it’s a pleasant feeling. The canned music coming through the speakers isnt helping, a mix of Fleet Foxes, Sufjan Stevens, Bon Iver, Alexi Murdoch, and the Avett Brothers.

As I often do I began to wonder why I chose to live away from my family, why I chose to saunter around life, never putting down roots for very long. Why haven’t I established myself anywhere?

I opened my bible to catch up on the assigned intern reading, not expecting much honestly because we’ve been in 2 Chronicles recently, not necessarily the place I turn when I want affirmation and assurance of God’s love and design.

“Believe in the LORD your God, and you will be established; believe in his prophets, and you will succeed.” 

2 Chronicles 20:20b

ESTABLISHED! The word in Hebrew is aman. It’s got a few translations in the Hebrew Lexicon but this one is fitting: to support, confirm, be faithful, uphold, nourish. I know this is a word given to Jehoshaphat for the Israelite people many many years ago, but today I am speaking that over my life. I am reminding myself that because of God’s redemption, I am not a wayward daughter being tossed around in the tides of life. I am established. Perhaps not physically, and maybe I will never find a place to put down forever roots, I am hoping that’s something God gives me soon, but thats irrelevant.

I am established in God’s love, I have roots in his kingdom.

Laguna Beach

Where I call home next is somewhat of a mystery and is something I am praying and meditating over, but today, as I sit in Santa Fe I know I am home. I am not alone. I am not being washed to shore at the whim of my own desires, or fate. I have been washed by the blood and sacrifice of Jesus Christ and because of that I now have a rightful place in the freedom, love, grace, mercy, and joy of God. He will make my path straight.

Although home is somewhat of a enigma for me, I will tell you this; I am very much looking forward to resting my travel weary head in Oakland tonight. See you soon.


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